I worry too much, don’t I? Can’t be helped really, when I have a knack to find out things that I’d rather not know. But ultimately it boils down to me having more faith and trust in you and in us. I certainly hope that I’m not being unreasonable or childish most of the time, plus I tend to think through every single possibility and detail before coming to a conclusion and/or decision. But that’s exactly where I start to over-think since it’s just a fine line between those two. I hope you see the effort I put in us, and I truly believe that with time we’d blossom even more beautifully.
Redamancy; the act of loving the one who loves you.
I get a little more crazy when it comes to you. I laugh more, I cry harder, I get madder, I get more fearful, but most importantly I love harder. Never told anyone this, but thank you for making me believe in love again as cheesy as it sounds. Not like I tell anyone anything ever, like it’s just so much easier to bottle things up alone or pretend that everything’s fine. There’s just so many issues I’ve faced that I just throw to the back of my mind, pretend it doesn’t matter and just get busy and carry on with life, that now I’m used to this “pretense”. It’s just what I’ve been doing my whole life, switching my feelings within seconds as though it’s a switch.. Some may say I act more mature than my peers, some may even think I’m just nonchalant about things. But a lot changed when you entered my life. I suddenly have someone to depend one, someone to act childish to, someone to hug me tight and relieve me of my demons that haunt me constantly. Hence, here I am apologising for my mood swings even though I doubt you’d ever chance upon this. I dare not say I’m ready to let you see me as bare as that but trust me when I say I’m slowly learning to trust humans. lel speaking as though I’m not one. I guess I’m just scared of rejection.
And yet here we are, 9 months in. It’s not exactly long I’d say but it’s not exactly a short time either. Every moment we’ve spent together is documented down and I’m not embarrassed to share that, but I highly doubt that I’d show it to you ever because I’d just be too much of a pussy. I love you for the fact that you make me feel like I matter, I love you for not treating me as a reserve option and for treating me as though I’m important to you. I love you for how you mean what you say and deliver what you promise. I love it when you look at me as though I’m the most precious thing in the world. I love it when we can just stay home all day and not head out but still feel so fulfilled just because I’m with you. I love how you check yourself out in the mirror with so much self-confidence that it should be alarming but I can’t help but agree at how good you look too. I love how you look so good in shirt, and in pants because of that cute butt of yours. I love how you bother to smell good and look good when going on a date with me. I love how you bother to introduce me to those who matter to you. I love it that you bother to at least try to get t know my friends better too. I love you for the fact that you love your family too and it just makes me even more assured of a future with you. In fact I could just go on forever, so thank you for spending the majority of 2017 with me and making it such a much better year. Love you regardless.
I cant believe that it has been 6 months but at the same time it feels like we’ve been in a relationship for quite some time already. Boo, everything feels so right when I’m with you and you’re like that beacon of light I look forward to every week. I can see it in your eyes that it’s the same for you too and I’m really thankful for that. However, I feel like being more honest with myself. There seems to be a wall I am not overcoming, a side that I’m still not fully exposing. I keep using the excuse that I grew very insecure due to my previous failed relationships. It is true though, but till what extent? You have no idea how afraid I am of losing you, how afraid that any small thing I do may trigger you and cause you to leave me just like that.
You said that I am always your bae. And that you wouldn’t leave me over something insignificant. And that you would never turn your back and leave me for no reason. And that you love me. I don’t want to envision our future together, only to see it falter.
As you get older, you tend to expect less and less on your birthday and it starts to get less significant whether you celebrate it or not. But nevertheless, thanks everybody who made the effort to make my day a little more special. And thank you for spending the day, no I mean the weekend, with me. Your mere company was more than enough, I mean it. And that promise you made, I’ll hold it close to my heart but you know I don’t ask for much from you. Just, stay by my side when I need you.
On a side note I want to get my driving license and go on a solo trip before I turn 21.
One thing for sure, is that I honestly didn’t expect this to work out. Not that I didn’t have faith in you or in us, but seriously just what were the chances man? Really, love comes when you least expect it. I wasn’t expecting anything out of this when I met you for the first time but somehow things worked out for us babe.
Thank you for the endless laughter and smiles, for the little butterflies you give me every time I see you, for making these past months much more meaningful, for your time, for your effort, for just anything and everything. You mean so much more to me than I often express and I’m really afraid of losing you. So precious indeed.
I try to focus on the ‘right now’ and live in the moment as we spend our time together rather than overthink our relationship. Enjoying and soaking in all the joy, passion and positive energy between us and trying to be even more appreciative of what we have just because. Let go of the small issues and try to focus on the big picture. Though it seems like we already understand quite a fair bit about each other, we definitely still have a lot to learn about each other.
I’m so scared that I’ll lose you. I’m so scared that I’d do something that would annoy you. But what is love really? Shouldn’t it be a relationship whereby I’m able to be myself infront of you and not be scared of anything. But then again you start to be scared of losing something when you treasure it a lot. So I’m right, right? Right that you’re not temporary, right that you are everything that they were not, and that’s why we will definitely work out not for the short term but for the long term. I thought it would take alot for me to fall for someone again but you just make it so easy. I’m just so reassured by you every time you tell me miss me, that you want me there with you right there and then. It makes me feel as though you actually want me, that it’s not all in my head. I can’t help but smile and sigh to myself whenever I see you. I love how we can just cuddle all day and I feel so safe in your embrace. I love how I always catch you looking at me and you just shrug it off as though it’s a given to do so. I love how straightforward you are with your feelings and not make me doubt your actions. I love how you appreciate intimacy as much as I do. Not just making out but long tender kisses with lingering eye contact and eskimo kisses. Are you feeling this too? It feels as though we’ve known each other for pretty long when in actual fact it has only been about 3 months. I wonder if you think about us as often as I do. You tell me that you hope you don’t get too attached to me but in actual fact I’m afraid of telling you how much I’m attached to you already because I’m scared that I would scare you away.
I want to be sure of us, I want to be sure of my feelings, I want to be sure of your feelings. I want there to be an us in the future, I want there to be a me in your future, I want there to be a you in my future.
I really don’t know how this will end up but I’m sure of one thing, you are very important to me and I’ve surpassed the point where i can bear to lose you.
It’s already nearing the end of May. Time is really ‘speedy-ing’ its way through 2017 and it’s starting to get more difficult to juggle between work, having a life and maintaining your relationships. Started work at a commercial lab about a month ago and things seem to be going pretty ok apart from the fact that the pay is pathetically little. Haven’t been dancing in a long while though so life’s pretty meh and mundane. Firstly, am pretty broke and secondly it’s so damn tiring after work already. Kudos to those people who are able to go and gym after work or even better still wake up early to run.
Figured I needed an update in my life as this year is passing ridiculously fast. Went on two trips before my graduation this year and now that I’m back, I already can’t wait to go on another trip again.
Taiwan was da bomb with the non stop eating, and shopping alongside with its beautiful scenery and beautiful weather. My hair was totally digging the climate man, zero maintenance needed. We went to both Taipei and Taichung and it was kind of stress planning the whole trip on my own (which I eventually fucked up because I missed my flight back), but it was definitely a lesson that I wouldn’t forget. I want to bring my mum to another country next. Perhaps next year or so? Really should look into buying a savings plan.
Australia was just as beautiful, with a more chill vibe. Food was relatively on the pricier side, but beer was cheap af. And again, the weather was perfect for my hair apart from the freezing temperatures in the early mornings which I so fortunately got to experience. My teeth were chattering in the 10d.c cold, how am I going to stand snow in Korea like this? Two ticks off my bucket list as I got my first tattoo done and skydived down the great ocean road. Heck both were one hell of an experience and really no regrets man.
Big thanks to my best friend, Winnie for tagging along with me on this trip (even though you can be so blur and overly attached at times). Makes a big difference that you were there with me and cheers to many more trips together again.