When it comes to you.

When it comes to you, everything seems to pale in comparison.

When it comes to you, I become more careful than before.

When it comes to you, nothing seems to be as straightforward as it should be.

I’m always too observant for my own good, too good at remembering useless details which I hope would slip from my attention. I hope it doesn’t scare you away when I say I notice everything about you. Your slightest mood and/or behavioural change is clear as daylight to me. We finally talked about her. Actually all the hers(exes), that I found out unwillingly. All the anxiety and discomfort that I’ve been masking these months as I’m afraid that the slightest trigger would make you leave me.

First was how you kept it from me that one of your ex texted you to say that she’s sorry for everything in the past. You may not think much of it but to me, no one texts their ex years after breaking up for nothing really. Plus how you deliberately went out of my sight to reply her made it even more suspicious, so you cant blame me for getting paranoid and insecure. You finally told me that you did that because you were afraid that I’d get worked up for nothing because there is nothing to worry about between you two. And I’m really glad I asked you about it because now I feel so much better and my stand is always that I trust you regardless and hence how I didn’t blow things up when I found out about it months back.

Second was how you brought up the matter of your top search on IG. And how I told you I’ve known that she was one of your exes for quite awhile because I saw you text her happy birthday. You say it’s the result of something you did long ago and can’t seem to get it away. You said she left quite an impact on you and that you just wanted to wish her happy birthday but I for one don’t understand it. I’d never ever sent a text again to any of my exes but all I can say is that I know how people may have a different stand on it. So regardless of how bitter I am still feeling, I’m really thankful that you actually opened up to tell me about it because yknow, it was driving me crazy at a certain point. All I could think about was how you were never fully over her when you started to date me. But then again back to my point. I want to trust you babe.

Then I brought up the fact that you even deleted IG posts and you explained that it was one of those girls that you dated which was just a thing of the past already. I know the fact that I caught you with Tinder made you very sorry towards me and you are constantly worried that I’d get angry because of all these that I end up leaving you.

Yes I dare not say that I’m not bitter about all these at all. Like I told you that day regardless of when, I’d still be unhappy at all these. But because I love you so much and everything you’ve done for me so far overrules all these little things that I can’t stay upset at you for so long. It tore me when you cried that day and I really don’t want to see that again.

I’m so glad that you actually opened up about all these to me. For leaving no stone unturned, I feel much better than I was before and it made me even more sure that I want to invest in an ‘us’. Let’s work on this together more shall we?

I loved you since I can’t remember when and I’ll keep loving you till I can’t forget how.

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One year.

So fast and in a blink of an eye, we’ve turned a year old. Honestly am quite bumped that you didn’t write me a card for our anni but I’m always grateful that you spend your time with me even though sometimes your mind seems to wander elsewhere. Hope you like the watch I got you, really thought about it hard and long before I finally made a decision. Decision making is twice as hard when it comes to you because I want you to have the best of everything.

Was a good long week spent together, and up to now I can still proudly say that I think that we’re still all sweet on each other and in out honeymoon period. Hopefully we get to have our own vacation trip soon enough, perhaps just in time for our next anniversary or even earlier 😌

Post cny.

First Chinese new year that I’d actually brought my bf back. And same goes for you too. It’s always something that I wanted to do and it feels really good to introduce you to my family. Looking forward to spending more cny with you, and of course valentine’s too. Love you babe.

Evermore.

It doesn’t just come easy or straightforward to me when it comes to love. I believe that it’s a conscious choice that I choose to make everyday to love you and continuously care and out effort into our relationship.

Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. No relationship is ever super smooth sailing and through each hurdle we grow together, both as an individual and also as a team. I’m learning to be a better communicator and I told you before if you feel like I’m being unreasonable, please just tell me. Thank you for always giving in to me and spoiling me. I don’t want to take you for granted and I won’t. Soon to a year and I’ve still yet to grow accustomed to out once a week thing. It’s no where close to enough 😪

Last.

I worry too much, don’t I? Can’t be helped really, when I have a knack to find out things that I’d rather not know. But ultimately it boils down to me having more faith and trust in you and in us. I certainly hope that I’m not being unreasonable or childish most of the time, plus I tend to think through every single possibility and detail before coming to a conclusion and/or decision. But that’s exactly where I start to over-think since it’s just a fine line between those two. I hope you see the effort I put in us, and I truly believe that with time we’d blossom even more beautifully.

Redamancy; the act of loving the one who loves you.

I get a little more crazy when it comes to you. I laugh more, I cry harder, I get madder, I get more fearful, but most importantly I love harder. Never told anyone this, but thank you for making me believe in love again as cheesy as it sounds. Not like I tell anyone anything ever, like it’s just so much easier to bottle things up alone or pretend that everything’s fine. There’s just so many issues I’ve faced that I just throw to the back of my mind, pretend it doesn’t matter and just get busy and carry on with life, that now I’m used to this “pretense”. It’s just what I’ve been doing my whole life, switching my feelings within seconds as though it’s a switch.. Some may say I act more mature than my peers, some may even think I’m just nonchalant about things. But a lot changed when you entered my life. I suddenly have someone to depend one, someone to act childish to, someone to hug me tight and relieve me of my demons that haunt me constantly. Hence, here I am apologising for my mood swings even though I doubt you’d ever chance upon this. I dare not say I’m ready to let you see me as bare as that but trust me when I say I’m slowly learning to trust humans. lel speaking as though I’m not one. I guess I’m just scared of rejection.

And yet here we are, 9 months in. It’s not exactly long I’d say but it’s not exactly a short time either. Every moment we’ve spent together is documented down and I’m not embarrassed to share that, but I highly doubt that I’d show it to you ever because I’d just be too much of a pussy. I love you for the fact that you make me feel like I matter, I love you for not treating me as a reserve option and for treating me as though I’m important to you. I love you for how you mean what you say and deliver what you promise. I love it when you look at me as though I’m the most precious thing in the world. I love it when we can just stay home all day and not head out but still feel so fulfilled just because I’m with you. I love how you check yourself out in the mirror with so much self-confidence that it should be alarming but I can’t help but agree at how good you look too. I love how you look so good in shirt, and in pants because of that cute butt of yours. I love how you bother to smell good and look good when going on a date with me. I love how you bother to introduce me to those who matter to you. I love it that you bother to at least try to get t know my friends better too. I love you for the fact that you love your family too and it just makes me even more assured of a future with you. In fact I could just go on forever, so thank you for spending the majority of 2017 with me and making it such a much better year. Love you regardless.

Afterthoughts.

I cant believe that it has been 6 months but at the same time it feels like we’ve been in a relationship for quite some time already. Boo, everything feels so right when I’m with you and you’re like that beacon of light I look forward to every week. I can see it in your eyes that it’s the same for you too and I’m really thankful for that. However, I feel like being more honest with myself. There seems to be a wall I am not overcoming, a side that I’m still not fully exposing. I keep using the excuse that I grew very insecure due to my previous failed relationships. It is true though, but till what extent? You have no idea how afraid I am of losing you, how afraid that any small thing I do may trigger you and cause you to leave me just like that.

You said that I am always your bae. And that you wouldn’t leave me over something insignificant. And that you would never turn your back and leave me for no reason. And that you love me. I don’t want to envision our future together, only to see it falter.

Finally 20.?

As you get older, you tend to expect less and less on your birthday and it starts to get less significant whether you celebrate it or not. But nevertheless, thanks everybody who made the effort to make my day a little more special. And thank you for spending the day, no I mean the weekend, with me. Your mere company was more than enough, I mean it. And that promise you made, I’ll hold it close to my heart but you know I don’t ask for much from you. Just, stay by my side when I need you.

On a side note I want to get my driving license and go on a solo trip before I turn 21.

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Thanks Kris for the lovely flowers!

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